Putting out fires with sugar

I love the feeling that I can eat anything I want. I usually feel like this when I'm stoned. Last night I came home from a concert, slightly drunk, slightly high, and I was just elated by the idea that I could eat anything in my kitchen right then.

First, I cracked open a bag of soy crisps and shoveled most of them into my mouth. I left like two or three full chips and some crumbs behind to make myself not feel like such a huge fatass. Then, I went for a chocolate chip chewy bar, practically swallowed it whole in one bite. Next up, a bowl of chocolate covered pretzels, but after eating a few, I realized these may be the saltless kind of pretzels. Terrible disappointment.

My final grab was for a pack of trolli sour brite octopi - if you don't know what these are, there should be another posting by me on this very important subject to come, so please look out for it. They're sour gummy worms, in octopi form, made by the Trolli brand. Basically, imagine if you could put out a fire with sugar. That is what it feels like to eat a trolli. You stick a whole sugar-coated octopus in your mouth and you almost choke on the amazingness of it. (Sometimes I do choke on it, or I get a condition called Sugary Esophagus, when I start to cough because there is an obscene amount of sugar stuck in the back of my throat.) After the Trolli coma wore off, I was so tempted to sneak back into the kitchen to break into the bag of Smartfood popcorn on the counter, but I thought about my body, and the fact that I pay money to see a personal trainer, so I didn't do it. Besides, I should know that when the trolli pack is left with only the yellow/orange combo flavor of octopi, it is time to go to sleep.